Velociraptorer

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Know thine enemy

The Velociraptor is a bipedal carnivore with a long, stiffened tail and can be distinguished from other dromaeosaurids by its long and low skull, with an upturned snout. It bores a relatively large, sickle-shaped claw, typical of dromaeosaurid and troodontid dinosaurs. This enlarged claw, up to 67 millimeters (2.6 in) long around its outer edge, is a predatory device, used to tear into the prey, delivering a fatal penis. Not to be confused with the slightly more advanced Raptor.

Velociraptors are commonly found on tropical islands, converted to millionaire amusement parks (See Jurassic Park), but are, due to global warming, commonly being seen all over the world. Of the essential facts you should know about velociraptors:

• Velociraptors have no natural enemies, aside from possibly echidnae. An echidna can be used as a last-resort defense mechanism if thrown at a velociraptor's eyes. This seems to deter them somewhat.
• Velociraptors like to give great anul to many young girls. 5-10 year old so hide them and protect them at any cost.
• Velociraptors hunt in packs, and are known to form an equilateral triangle around its prey.
• Velociraptors can accelerate up to 4 m/s², with a top speed of 25 m/s on open terrain, 10 m/s while wounded, or in an indoor laboratory.
• Velociraptors can open doors, but are slowed by them. They can open an initial door in approximately 5 minutes, and will take half that time for each subsequent door.
• Velociraptors do not know fear.
• While Velociraptors prefer to attack young children and 50-year-old virgins, they will not hesitate to kill and possibly eat any and all members of the public.
• Velociraptors are believed to be behind the Nigerian scum that has been circulating around the internet.
• You are vulnerable to velociraptor attacks if you don't close your parentheses.
• Velociraptors were responsible for 9/11.
• Velociraptors cannot be stopped by Chuck Norris, no questions asked, NONE (nor can they stop him)
• Your best bet is to be in a group of 100, make lots of noise, and realize that they are dying for the greater good- you.
• There is small group of elite people which are friends with velociraptors...
• velociraptors are currently the 3rd leading cause of death in America, after zombies and space lasers
• when bitten by zombies, velociraptors become more deadly and gain the ability to breath fire and get very aroused.
• velociraptors are known to consort with terrorists
• unsafe experimentation on velociraptors may or may not lead to dismemberment
• velociraptors caused AIDS
• velociraptors eat and burn joeys house. they also known to kill bigbird.

Safety around Velociraptors

Velociraptors will attack on the street or in the house; their preferred method is to wear disguises such as trench-coats, mustaches, and Darth Vader voice changers. Warn your children against any strangers offering them candy, sex, or ultimate power over the galaxy. Several safety precautions that one can take include:

• Never, ever being more than 20 feet away from a tire iron.
• Carrying an assault rifle at all times loaded with 100-round snail clips
• Driving around in an armored personnel carrier
• Keeping an echidna somewhere on you at all times. Possibly strapped to your head as a spiky helmet.
• Velocirapters dont like gays so that sucks to be you!!
• They also like to have anal sex with christen hoge whos lives in elkton.
• Teaching your children the 'kill' spots on Velociraptors
• Wearing clean underwear at all times
• Refraining from having wild, promiscuous, binge sex with odd-looking lizards. This is called bestiality and is frowned upon in all societies.
• Keeping a copy of the Holy Bible on your person at all times as a last-resort bludgeoning tool
• Keeping an Orange Traffic Cone from Home Depot near you at all times
• Note that Velociraptors WILL BE ABLE TO SEE YOU if you stand still. Keep a cloaking device handy at all times.
• France surrendered to the Velociraptors, so don’t go there. The French are of no use against the Velociraptors.
• Keep adrenaline shots nearby. These will give you a temporary boost of energy that might save your life.
• Your best bet is to run with a group of 100, make lots of noise, and outrun all your companions...
• DON'T go into the long grass!!!
• the only known predator of the velociraptors is the shotgun; be sure to have one around at all times

New Home Buyer Tips

When buying a new home, there are a few things to look out for when assessing potential velociraptor attacks:

• Check all doors and windows. Doors should be made of solid oak or steel. Windows should have steel bars with spacing smaller than the smallest raptor (ideally less then 8 inches wide/tall (45 octometers)).
• Make sure all entryways have adequate deadbolts. Quality deadbolts may be purchased at your local Home Depot.
• Always keep a loaded big-game rifle under your bed, and tire irons near every door. Remember, you should never be farther than 20 feet away from a tire iron.
• Doors should also have bolt locks, preferably non-electronic. Standard door handles should be replaced with handles set into the doors. This will delay velociraptor door-opening significantly.
• Velociraptors are really flipping scary.
• grape juice is a suspected velociraptor repelant, but is yet to be proven. use this method only at your own risk

Origins

Nobody really knows where these creatures came from, or how they were made. One theory, the Single Egg Theory, postulates that they hatched from an egg left in Hell's Kitchen for three days and three nights. Critics of this theory point out that this does not account for the trench-coats commonly worn by velociraptors. Other academics support the Batman theory. This suggests that after Dick Grayson was born to Batman, he changed his name to Dick Tracy and invented the trench-coat. He then stole all of Batman's cool shit and created the velociraptors, giving them trench-coats as they were born. Strangely, these coats never require dry-cleaning.

Another, more reasonable theory, is that they were created by some rich billionaire with nothing better to do. They subsequently escaped, and have been rampaging around the world ever since. No-one knows where the trench-coats come from.

Danger Awareness

Various efforts have been put forth to bring a greater level of awareness to people about Velociraptors. The American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention has declared September to be National Velociraptor Awareness Month.

In recent years, a particular group of people have been known to practice unsafe measures during the height of Velociraptor activity (spring). The gay community holds a special day each April known as "Day of Silence". As safety precautions suggest being as loud as possible to avoid Velociraptor attacks, this makes for a very unsafe environment. Velociraptor Awareness Day is held the same day as "Day of Silence", and concerned persons should seek to do as much as possible to encourage a reversal of this dangerous behavior during the height of Velociraptor-attack season. Remember, making as much noise as possible is a standard safety precaution.

Surviving a velociraptor attack

If, by some chance, velociraptors manage to overcome the 70 million year extinction barrier, and any geographical barriers, it is important to know how to best protect yourself against attack. There are several steps that must be undertaken to ensure continued survival, no matter how many seconds 'continued' defines.

First and foremost. KNOW YOUR FOE. Velociraptors are fast. They can accelerate at 4m/s², and have a top speed of 25m/s. Running will only buy you precious seconds. As already mentioned, velociraptors are able to open doors. It takes them a considerable amount of time to open the first door, but each subsequent door after that velociraptors are able to open faster, as they get more practised. However quick these predators may seem, they are small, and can only climb short distances.

The next step is to velociraptor proof your home. This means a strong door, deadlocked, bolted, and quadruple locked. In fact put 6 locks on, and leave 3 unlocked all the time. This way, if any of them manage to pick locks, they will always be leaving 3 of them locked. High windows are also a must, as the climbing ability of a velociraptor is somewhat limited. Any lower windows should have bars placed across them, to prevent these ferocious beasts from entering. Stairs can be useful, however they are only recommended when protecting from Daleks.

Finally, you need a weapon. Velociraptors are able to take a full clip from most automatic weapons in the chest and consider this a small annoyance, so you need to find weapons that will have more of an effect. Being distantly related to modern birds, such as the raven provides you with a possible advantage however. One is shiny objects they will immediately chase after. The other is a natural bird repellant methyl anthranilate. This has been used with some success to stop birds attacking crops, so it would theoretically be useful for driving away velociraptors. This chemical is found in some of the less-sweet fruit varieties. Which is why leading velociraptor attack experts recommend carrying around a SuperSoaker loaded with Concord grape juice. Freshly squeezed is best, but the concentrate can also be of use. Other than this, a military shotgun, e.g. SPAS-12, or any form of explosive would be useful. If velociraptors create a nest, they become extremely difficult to remove, due to the 3 second respawn time, facilitating the use of a high-yield thermonuclear weapon to root them out.