L'shana hazot birushalayim

Imorgon far jag till det Heliga Landet
Designen här ändras marginellt för att tydliggöra detta
Om det kommer att skrivas så mycket här över sommaren vet jag inte
Det kan hända att en käck reseblogg upprättas istället
Jag återkommer när jag själv vet mer

B'shalom,
Kallisti

VII

Så färdigställdes Vagnen; Graalbäraren på väg över Avgrunden

Företeelse jag ser på med stigande vemod; att Warhammer, då jag som liten pilt initierades i denna ädla hobbys mysterier, var något man självklart förknippade med metallfigurer - det var de stora grabbarnas tennsoldater
Vemodet kommer sig förstås av att så icke är fallet idag - Warhammer av idag består av gråa plastbitz, ja, till och med de stora monstren gjuts idag i hobbyplast snarare än i hederlig, svintung, skör blytennlegering
Världen har gått vidare...

Philosophia

Jag sammanfattar all filosofi:

"Alltså, man är antingen en Descartes-typ eller en Spinoza-typ
Det är lite som Star Wars och Star Trek - man kan inte vara trekkie med ljussabel...
Personligen håller jag på Spinoza och Star Wars"

Pii tianta ababalond

"Jag är Styrkans dotter, och utnyttjad var timme sedan min ungdom

För se; jag är Förståelse och vetenskap dväljs i mig; och himlarna förtrycker mig
De lustar efter och begär mig med oändlig hunger; för ingen som är jordisk har omfamnat mig, för jag är skuggad med stjärnornas cirkel och är täckt med morgonens moln
Mina fötter är kvickare än vindarna, och mina händer är sötare än morgondaggen
Mina kläder är från begynnelsen, och min boning är i mig själv
Lejonet känner inte var jag går, och inte heller förstår markens djur mig
Jag är deflorerad, och ändå är jag jungfru; jag helgar och är inte helgad
Lycklig är han som omfamnar mig, för under nattens timme är jag ljuv, och under dagen full av njutning"

- Vision av Edward Kelley den 23 maj 1587

Det roligaste med min dator lär för övrigt vara det faktum att jag, varje gång jag ska in på sockerdricka, och skriver in "so" får upp "Troy Fucks Terrance - the buds start of with some friendly wrestling", ett klipp som jag tyvärr inte kommer ihåg och inte heller tagit mig för att kolla upp
Men jag trivs bra med att ha det där

Velociraptorer

Alltså
Jag googlar: "How to tell if my neighbours are raptors" och får fram detta, från Uncyclopedia:

Know thine enemy

The Velociraptor is a bipedal carnivore with a long, stiffened tail and can be distinguished from other dromaeosaurids by its long and low skull, with an upturned snout. It bores a relatively large, sickle-shaped claw, typical of dromaeosaurid and troodontid dinosaurs. This enlarged claw, up to 67 millimeters (2.6 in) long around its outer edge, is a predatory device, used to tear into the prey, delivering a fatal penis. Not to be confused with the slightly more advanced Raptor.

Velociraptors are commonly found on tropical islands, converted to millionaire amusement parks (See Jurassic Park), but are, due to global warming, commonly being seen all over the world. Of the essential facts you should know about velociraptors:

• Velociraptors have no natural enemies, aside from possibly echidnae. An echidna can be used as a last-resort defense mechanism if thrown at a velociraptor's eyes. This seems to deter them somewhat.
• Velociraptors like to give great anul to many young girls. 5-10 year old so hide them and protect them at any cost.
• Velociraptors hunt in packs, and are known to form an equilateral triangle around its prey.
• Velociraptors can accelerate up to 4 m/s², with a top speed of 25 m/s on open terrain, 10 m/s while wounded, or in an indoor laboratory.
• Velociraptors can open doors, but are slowed by them. They can open an initial door in approximately 5 minutes, and will take half that time for each subsequent door.
• Velociraptors do not know fear.
• While Velociraptors prefer to attack young children and 50-year-old virgins, they will not hesitate to kill and possibly eat any and all members of the public.
• Velociraptors are believed to be behind the Nigerian scum that has been circulating around the internet.
• You are vulnerable to velociraptor attacks if you don't close your parentheses.
• Velociraptors were responsible for 9/11.
• Velociraptors cannot be stopped by Chuck Norris, no questions asked, NONE (nor can they stop him)
• Your best bet is to be in a group of 100, make lots of noise, and realize that they are dying for the greater good- you.
• There is small group of elite people which are friends with velociraptors...
• velociraptors are currently the 3rd leading cause of death in America, after zombies and space lasers
• when bitten by zombies, velociraptors become more deadly and gain the ability to breath fire and get very aroused.
• velociraptors are known to consort with terrorists
• unsafe experimentation on velociraptors may or may not lead to dismemberment
• velociraptors caused AIDS
• velociraptors eat and burn joeys house. they also known to kill bigbird.

Safety around Velociraptors

Velociraptors will attack on the street or in the house; their preferred method is to wear disguises such as trench-coats, mustaches, and Darth Vader voice changers. Warn your children against any strangers offering them candy, sex, or ultimate power over the galaxy. Several safety precautions that one can take include:

• Never, ever being more than 20 feet away from a tire iron.
• Carrying an assault rifle at all times loaded with 100-round snail clips
• Driving around in an armored personnel carrier
• Keeping an echidna somewhere on you at all times. Possibly strapped to your head as a spiky helmet.
• Velocirapters dont like gays so that sucks to be you!!
• They also like to have anal sex with christen hoge whos lives in elkton.
• Teaching your children the 'kill' spots on Velociraptors
• Wearing clean underwear at all times
• Refraining from having wild, promiscuous, binge sex with odd-looking lizards. This is called bestiality and is frowned upon in all societies.
• Keeping a copy of the Holy Bible on your person at all times as a last-resort bludgeoning tool
• Keeping an Orange Traffic Cone from Home Depot near you at all times
• Note that Velociraptors WILL BE ABLE TO SEE YOU if you stand still. Keep a cloaking device handy at all times.
• France surrendered to the Velociraptors, so don’t go there. The French are of no use against the Velociraptors.
• Keep adrenaline shots nearby. These will give you a temporary boost of energy that might save your life.
• Your best bet is to run with a group of 100, make lots of noise, and outrun all your companions...
• DON'T go into the long grass!!!
• the only known predator of the velociraptors is the shotgun; be sure to have one around at all times

New Home Buyer Tips

When buying a new home, there are a few things to look out for when assessing potential velociraptor attacks:

• Check all doors and windows. Doors should be made of solid oak or steel. Windows should have steel bars with spacing smaller than the smallest raptor (ideally less then 8 inches wide/tall (45 octometers)).
• Make sure all entryways have adequate deadbolts. Quality deadbolts may be purchased at your local Home Depot.
• Always keep a loaded big-game rifle under your bed, and tire irons near every door. Remember, you should never be farther than 20 feet away from a tire iron.
• Doors should also have bolt locks, preferably non-electronic. Standard door handles should be replaced with handles set into the doors. This will delay velociraptor door-opening significantly.
• Velociraptors are really flipping scary.
• grape juice is a suspected velociraptor repelant, but is yet to be proven. use this method only at your own risk

Origins

Nobody really knows where these creatures came from, or how they were made. One theory, the Single Egg Theory, postulates that they hatched from an egg left in Hell's Kitchen for three days and three nights. Critics of this theory point out that this does not account for the trench-coats commonly worn by velociraptors. Other academics support the Batman theory. This suggests that after Dick Grayson was born to Batman, he changed his name to Dick Tracy and invented the trench-coat. He then stole all of Batman's cool shit and created the velociraptors, giving them trench-coats as they were born. Strangely, these coats never require dry-cleaning.

Another, more reasonable theory, is that they were created by some rich billionaire with nothing better to do. They subsequently escaped, and have been rampaging around the world ever since. No-one knows where the trench-coats come from.

Danger Awareness

Various efforts have been put forth to bring a greater level of awareness to people about Velociraptors. The American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention has declared September to be National Velociraptor Awareness Month.

In recent years, a particular group of people have been known to practice unsafe measures during the height of Velociraptor activity (spring). The gay community holds a special day each April known as "Day of Silence". As safety precautions suggest being as loud as possible to avoid Velociraptor attacks, this makes for a very unsafe environment. Velociraptor Awareness Day is held the same day as "Day of Silence", and concerned persons should seek to do as much as possible to encourage a reversal of this dangerous behavior during the height of Velociraptor-attack season. Remember, making as much noise as possible is a standard safety precaution.

Surviving a velociraptor attack

If, by some chance, velociraptors manage to overcome the 70 million year extinction barrier, and any geographical barriers, it is important to know how to best protect yourself against attack. There are several steps that must be undertaken to ensure continued survival, no matter how many seconds 'continued' defines.

First and foremost. KNOW YOUR FOE. Velociraptors are fast. They can accelerate at 4m/s², and have a top speed of 25m/s. Running will only buy you precious seconds. As already mentioned, velociraptors are able to open doors. It takes them a considerable amount of time to open the first door, but each subsequent door after that velociraptors are able to open faster, as they get more practised. However quick these predators may seem, they are small, and can only climb short distances.

The next step is to velociraptor proof your home. This means a strong door, deadlocked, bolted, and quadruple locked. In fact put 6 locks on, and leave 3 unlocked all the time. This way, if any of them manage to pick locks, they will always be leaving 3 of them locked. High windows are also a must, as the climbing ability of a velociraptor is somewhat limited. Any lower windows should have bars placed across them, to prevent these ferocious beasts from entering. Stairs can be useful, however they are only recommended when protecting from Daleks.

Finally, you need a weapon. Velociraptors are able to take a full clip from most automatic weapons in the chest and consider this a small annoyance, so you need to find weapons that will have more of an effect. Being distantly related to modern birds, such as the raven provides you with a possible advantage however. One is shiny objects they will immediately chase after. The other is a natural bird repellant methyl anthranilate. This has been used with some success to stop birds attacking crops, so it would theoretically be useful for driving away velociraptors. This chemical is found in some of the less-sweet fruit varieties. Which is why leading velociraptor attack experts recommend carrying around a SuperSoaker loaded with Concord grape juice. Freshly squeezed is best, but the concentrate can also be of use. Other than this, a military shotgun, e.g. SPAS-12, or any form of explosive would be useful. If velociraptors create a nest, they become extremely difficult to remove, due to the 3 second respawn time, facilitating the use of a high-yield thermonuclear weapon to root them out.

Dum Vivimus, Vivamus

Helt sjukt
Jag kom på mig själv med att tänka "en gång var även jag tjugo"
Någon måtta får det vara på hjärnan som tänker ock, ock, ock, nu står man med ena foten i graven, uj, uj, uj, och andra på äldreboendet, oj vavoj, och tredje i historieböckerna eller vänta nej just ja inte det heller för jag kommer glömmas bort av alla utom barnen ("alla" inkluderar barnbarnen)
Nej res dig, pojk! Ut och fånga din förlorade ungdom! Den bör vara tämligen lätt att få fatt på...
Carpe diem, et mortem, et fnord...
Amen

Bashing the Bishop

Jag smyger fram genom nattdagsvåt vegetation, hoppar upp på ett omkullfallet träd, sitter där och blinkar, för stunden övermannad av alla knäppanden, tisslanden och tasslanden i buskarna omkring, och hoppar sedan ned igen, fortsätter över ett fält där blommorna förvandlas till stjärnor och gräset till natthimmel och så ser jag dem
Hans budbärare, härolder för en annan nattlig löpare
Vita nattfjärilar
Men jag har sett dem förr, en gång en midsommar för länge sedan, då backar och blommor andades av kraft
Och nu ser jag dem igen och känner honom - han löper bredvid mig, men precis utom synhåll, en skugga inuti min, tassande rovdjurssteg perfekt synkade med mina, en myskaktig vild doft som precis kan anas i min svett
Halvmånljus på vit hud, nattfjärilar som kysser ben och armar, fuktig mylla som pressas under nakna fötter och löv som passar på att väva in sig i den galne nattdansarens hår
Och så, med ett inombords muller och åtföljd av fladdrande vingar, kommer han rusande inom synhåll, en hjort med sänkta horn, en varg till attack, en skog som öppnar ögonen
Och natten är en annan kyrka än den som beskrevs förr; här två träd som bildar en portgång, där en äng som tjänar som sal, där en glänta och ett kapell, och längre bort, långa rader av barkklädda pelare
Och under fötterna en mosaik av blomster och liv, av jord och vild växtkraft
Men det är inte den här helgedomen som påminner om en kyrka - tvärtom är det just detta all världens tempel försöker efterhärma då de byggs till symboler, små vinterlandskupor i en snöstorm
Men här en annan typ av altare, och andra sakrament att knäböja inför

Något förändras, den Vita släpps till slut iväg, efter så många år av fångenskap i min hjärna - jag andas ut, säger: Liv åt din skörd
Han svarar: Och åt din